...when I got married at age 24 I was just out of a string of bad dates/relationships, dealing with debilitating depression and anxiety, and having second thoughts despite the gray anvil on my shoulders. I was watching all my friends pair off and tired of the only people that I could respect making any moves on me being girls. After the last horrible date (in which the guy I'd been seeing came over only to leave after 2 hours to go to a party) I was done. I made the decision that I'd sleep with this last guy and if it didn't work out I was going to go lesbian. The choices on the other side of the fence were at least friendlier, if a little more complicated.
My first time with this guy; indeed with any guy up to that point, turned out to be non-consensual, because I hadn't been ready to do the deed right at that moment. I was irritated that I'd waited 24 years to be with someone and wasn't even given the choice to be ready. Didn't help that he was essentially limp from that point on and cried like a bitch the first time I was actually ready because there was "too much pressure". But, being the "good wife" I dealt with it and thus spent the next four years getting less emotional and physical affection than I ever had in my entire life.
Pride has always been my downfall. I hate being wrong, though I make a concerted effort to see the other side of things and listen with an open mind. Nobody knew how horribly depressed I was prior to the marriage because I thought I could "handle it". Or that I was marrying him only because of a misguided promise I made to myself when I was small that I'd wait for the right one. That, and the overwhelming need to ensure the safety and upbringing of two bright, creative, well-behaved twins from his first marriage---because I knew he couldn't do it. It was also my chance of being a mom when I realized there was very little likelihood of having kids of my own; which turned out to be a blessing.
The whole thing was disaster and lies from the beginning and I felt trapped physically on top of dealing with undiagnosed chronic genetic depression. He was a psychopath and though he never laid a finger on me (and went out of his way to avoid touching or communicating with me at all unless it was to belittle me or lie) I count myself lucky to have gotten out alive. He was going to leave one way or another and when he saw his cruelty and negligence was killing me he opted to drop all responsibilities (including his children) and run away to Oregon with the office secretary rather than have my death on his hands. If he'd had a pair, I have no doubt he would have killed me and gotten off on it. By the way, the secretary promptly booted him after 6 months.
Why is all this coming up now? Because even though I'm sick with a fever and broke I have a roof over my head and family and friends that love me unconditionally. I'm living in New Orleans, a city I've loved for as long as I can remember, and having an excellent time even though I still battle depression on a daily basis. I'm not saying that the abuse in my marriage was deserved, far from it; but I wouldn't have gotten to where I am today without enduring and learning from it. You can only appreciate what you have and know that you can succeed when you've hit rock bottom and the only way to go is up.
I also appreciate that I was older when I flubbed it by marrying the douche. I can barely imagine being 18 and taking the plunge into poverty, having a spouse unafraid to steal or destroy the little I'd built for myself, and take everyone down with him because of selfish desires. I can't fathom being 18 and wanting to do anything but go out without a curfew and getting my degree. I especially can't comprehend doing it with kids involved.
I guess the moral to the story is this; users take heed. The road to hell is paved with good intentions and while you may consider your actions to be pure and enlightened, taking advantage is taking advantage. Deep down you know your actions are solely based on immediate self-fulfillment regardless of your purported altruism. It hurts those around you and causes suffering in ways you never have considered. Those of you who recognize yourself as the victim in a similar misfortune, do yourself a favor and think of the outcome you are likely to face since the other party is obviously not. Save yourself while you have the chance and screw dissenting opinions. Just remember, you'll be happy and they won't be alone. There's always another sucker out there to take your place.
My first time with this guy; indeed with any guy up to that point, turned out to be non-consensual, because I hadn't been ready to do the deed right at that moment. I was irritated that I'd waited 24 years to be with someone and wasn't even given the choice to be ready. Didn't help that he was essentially limp from that point on and cried like a bitch the first time I was actually ready because there was "too much pressure". But, being the "good wife" I dealt with it and thus spent the next four years getting less emotional and physical affection than I ever had in my entire life.
Pride has always been my downfall. I hate being wrong, though I make a concerted effort to see the other side of things and listen with an open mind. Nobody knew how horribly depressed I was prior to the marriage because I thought I could "handle it". Or that I was marrying him only because of a misguided promise I made to myself when I was small that I'd wait for the right one. That, and the overwhelming need to ensure the safety and upbringing of two bright, creative, well-behaved twins from his first marriage---because I knew he couldn't do it. It was also my chance of being a mom when I realized there was very little likelihood of having kids of my own; which turned out to be a blessing.
The whole thing was disaster and lies from the beginning and I felt trapped physically on top of dealing with undiagnosed chronic genetic depression. He was a psychopath and though he never laid a finger on me (and went out of his way to avoid touching or communicating with me at all unless it was to belittle me or lie) I count myself lucky to have gotten out alive. He was going to leave one way or another and when he saw his cruelty and negligence was killing me he opted to drop all responsibilities (including his children) and run away to Oregon with the office secretary rather than have my death on his hands. If he'd had a pair, I have no doubt he would have killed me and gotten off on it. By the way, the secretary promptly booted him after 6 months.
Why is all this coming up now? Because even though I'm sick with a fever and broke I have a roof over my head and family and friends that love me unconditionally. I'm living in New Orleans, a city I've loved for as long as I can remember, and having an excellent time even though I still battle depression on a daily basis. I'm not saying that the abuse in my marriage was deserved, far from it; but I wouldn't have gotten to where I am today without enduring and learning from it. You can only appreciate what you have and know that you can succeed when you've hit rock bottom and the only way to go is up.
I also appreciate that I was older when I flubbed it by marrying the douche. I can barely imagine being 18 and taking the plunge into poverty, having a spouse unafraid to steal or destroy the little I'd built for myself, and take everyone down with him because of selfish desires. I can't fathom being 18 and wanting to do anything but go out without a curfew and getting my degree. I especially can't comprehend doing it with kids involved.
I guess the moral to the story is this; users take heed. The road to hell is paved with good intentions and while you may consider your actions to be pure and enlightened, taking advantage is taking advantage. Deep down you know your actions are solely based on immediate self-fulfillment regardless of your purported altruism. It hurts those around you and causes suffering in ways you never have considered. Those of you who recognize yourself as the victim in a similar misfortune, do yourself a favor and think of the outcome you are likely to face since the other party is obviously not. Save yourself while you have the chance and screw dissenting opinions. Just remember, you'll be happy and they won't be alone. There's always another sucker out there to take your place.
